Women are often accused of being too emotional or being led by their emotions. When we find ourselves in an unhealthy or even an abusive relationship, we do tend to get our thoughts and emotions all tangled together. Sometimes it’s hard to know whether we are making decisions or responding out of our heads or our hearts. Although we are emotional creatures, we do not have to be at the mercy of those emotions. Very often, we can get a grip on out-of-control emotions by getting a grip on our thoughts.

Have you ever watched something scary on TV and your whole body is tense, your heart beats faster, and you actually feel scared? Then a commercial comes on and you find yourself letting out the breath you were holding, and thinking how silly you were for getting that involved in something on TV. This is a good example of our thoughts influencing our emotions. Your brain thinks that what is happening is scary, and even though, in reality, you are in no danger, your emotions and even your body react as if there is a real threat.

The challenge in everyday life is to pay attention to what we allow ourselves to think in order to keep our emotions real, based on fact, not on imagined fears or worries. In the case of an abusive relationship, this is very important as we seek to untangle ourselves from the lies we have had drilled into our heads, whether directly, or by implication. Changing our thought patterns does take concentrated effort on our part, but the rewards are almost immediate and very much worth it.

It helps to set aside a few times a day, or maybe even once an hour, to check in with yourself and ask, “What am I thinking about? Am I dwelling on the past? Am I replaying a fight or conversation over and over in my head?” Start noticing your motivations for doing things, even simple things. Are you folding towels a certain way because someone else told you their way is the only right way? Did you eat what you really wanted for lunch or are you still programmed by nasty comments someone has made about your weight? We often don’t realize that the abuser can still be in control, even after they are gone. But only if we allow them to run free in our heads.

The only way to combat the ingrained negative messages is to first notice them, and then replace them with truth. The table below gives a few examples of how this can work.

It also helps to have a notebook handy to jot down the abusive thought on one page and then write the true statement directly across from the lie. It makes it very clear and very real, that we have been reacting emotionally to something that is not true in the first place. If you are diligent, you will soon notice that the lies will get quieter in you head and the truth will get louder and louder, empowering you over time to dispel the lies altogether!

A helpful guide for replacing negative thought patterns is Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy by David Burns. While it is geared towards helping people with depression, the principles of replacing wrong thinking with right thinking are relevant to our discussion here.

Yes, women are emotional. It is in our DNA. But we don’t have to be at the mercy of our emotions when we know how to take control of the chatter in our heads. It’s just a matter of noticing and replacing lies with truth. Not as simple as it sounds, but with time and determination, it works!