Recently there has been a video circulating on Facebook about a man who shot his fifteen year old daughter’s computer

(after verbally letting her know how HE felt in no uncertain terms) because of a status update in which she bashed her parents in no uncertain terms.

Her language was colorful; she was obviously venting in that moment of drama and angst that only a 15 year old girl can create. I should know, I have a fifteen year old girl… and I used to be a fifteen year old girl.

The father not only video’d himself responding to his daughter’s status and shooting her computer; he posted the video on her wall for all of her friends to see.

And parents all over Facebook applauded his actions. One more time it seemed that everyone agreed on something … except me. There was a point in time that I would have agreed to be part of the group or just stayed quiet. That time is obviously in the past because I have to say that I found it beyond disturbing. I will admit that our family is divided on their opinions on this. Ethan says he wants to be a dad just like that. I shuddered and prayed he will mature before that time comes.

Before you read on please understand that I am not saying that the girl was right, or that she should not have consequences, nor am agreeing with her behavior in any way. You can ask any of my children what my response might have been. What I am saying is that society has separated in two extremes – those who do not discipline their children in any way at all and those who use punishment as discipline.

First of all, I doubt that there are many teenagers that haven’t said the very same things about their parents – more than once. In a moment of anger, in a moment of bravado, in a moment of stupidity – they suddenly spew things that are at best exaggerated and at worst straight up lies. Many, many teenage girls tell people things in the hopes of getting attention. I know of a teen girl that had a youth pastor thinking that she was abused and I know for a fact that she was not. Is it right? No way, and it does need to be addressed. However,  the girl’s behavior was not unique.

So, agree with me that the behavior was not unknown among teenage girls, and that it was stupid. I would also like to agree that it was amazingly embarrassing to the parents who obviously work hard to provide for their daughter. To sum up her infractions:

• Disrespect
• Cussing
• Doing the above in a public forum rather than communicating her dissatisfaction to her parents and finding a solution in private.

Do we agree?

Now. Let’s look at Dad.

First of all this is an adult male, well educated (he mentions a career in IT), and obviously he takes good care of his family. He spent an entire day and a chunk of change updating his daughter’s computer – to me that speaks of love and provision.

He video tapes himself first reading her status and then his rebuttle to it. Finally, he lets her know that her life is about to get really hard, he makes a few other threats, and he shoots 7 or 8 rounds into the computer.

No matter what else you may think – shooting something is an emotionally manipulative, controlling, threatening behavior. It says I am big enough to break something you care about without consequence. Had he shot her horse or her dog it would have been considered emotional abuse.

It seems to me that he is reacting to what she did rather than responding to it. (I taught a series once on the difference between reacting and responding…and it is an important difference. In a nutshell? Put baking soda and vinegar together and there is a reaction. Push on the brakes at a red light and there is a response. ) He was angry, and I don’t blame him. I would have felt embarrassed and angry at the very least. But this is what I saw in his video:

• Disrespect
• Cussing (Marc pointed out that he only cussed twice. More about that in a minute)
• Taking something public which should have remained private

I can’t speak to his ungratefulness or his exaggeration of the situation because I don’t know the details and I don’t have intimate knowledge of the family.

Wow. If you didn’t know the order in which things happened you would have a hard time seeing the differences between the two.

He did only cuss twice. He also told her he was disappointed in her, that she was lazy. Please, parents… be disappointed in your kids actions if you need to be but never ever allow them to think you are disappointed in them. Whether he cussed twice or ten times his verbal response was no more respectful than hers had been, in my opinion.

And here is where I have the issue, the problem, and the disgust. She is handling her problems the very same way her dad seems to handle his – and yet she is in the wrong and he is a hero. Why? She threatens her parents that she is about to lose it. Her dad threatens her that he is about to lower the boom. Checkmate. Although this lesson may stay with her the rest of her life what has she really learned from it?

So much of the time we let our kids act any way they want until it affects us in some way. Once we are inconvenienced then we yell, ground, scream, throw things at them, and generally REACT. Vinegar and baking soda. I certainly am guilty of that (not the throwing things). The truth is, in my experience, the vast majority of adults “get back at” or “punish” their children rather than communicate with and discipline them…. and punishment and discipline are NOT the same thing. Punishment says, you hurt me and I am going to show you how it feels. Discipline says, you did something wrong and you need to learn not to do that again.  Before either punishment or discipline there should be communication. Why did you write that?

I ask a lot of my kids. They babysit, clean, help with dinner, chop wood, get me coffee, make me coffee, give me shoulder rubs and foot rubs, and help with home repairs. The ones that drive run errands for me. They work hard. We homeschool and the older ones may be asked to help the younger ones with lessons. We used to have goats so there was milking and feeding… I am sure that they have gotten frustrated at what they are asked to do… I am sure they have vented to their friends. Sometimes I can see that they are getting overwhelmed and I give them some time off, whether they realize it or not. Maybe I will do a few of their chores, or call a movie night, or get pizza. Maybe I will take them out for a coke and have a little one on one time and talk about whatever they want to talk about.

And you know what? Sometimes when I ask Shiloh to get me coffee she grumbles about it. Sometimes when I ask Ethan to clean the kitchen he complains. Sometimes when they ask me for money to go to a movie I am cranky about it – even though I give it to them. We all have moments when we complain, vent, and exaggerate. We all have moments when we are disrespectful, unkind, ungrateful.

It’s just that usually adults are smart enough not to vent in public. Usually. And even if they did? Most of our kids could care less about our Facebook pages. Adults should act like adults regardless of how their children act.

What if we had to follow the same standards of behavior that we require of our children – and face the same consequences when we didn’t? What if we give our children the same grace that we would like to be extended to us when we say or do stupid things? Correct the action without wounding the spirit.

I have heard moms talking about how their kids drive them crazy, how they wish school would start, that parenting is too much of a chore. The next time you complain about your kid on facebook think about how you would feel if you kid grabbed your computer and shot it. Seven or eight times.

That’s all. Just think about it.

image: istock, used under licensing agreement.

I wrote this when I was writing a marriage blog for b5media. The blog went under, the marriage went under but the truth of this list remains. it is invaluable information to the man who wants to please his lady.

Please enjoy.

Between being married a long time, and also being a woman, I can tell you guys that there are certain things you can do to make your wife swoon. And you want to make her swoon, right?

Of course you do.

These techniques aren’t difficult, anyone can do them and they are some of the sexiest things I can think of…and I have quite the imagination…

So.  Are you ready?  Are you all that is man? Wipe that drop of drool from the corner of your mouth and read on….

Technique #1 : Wet Hands

Yep, it is the wet hands technique.  Cetainly one of the most popular among most women polled for this article. So simple.  So exciting.  You will leave her breathless.

• Fill the kitchen sink up with hot water and add a few drops of a scented dish liquid.  Not too many, you don’t want it to be harsh. There are many  very nice scents out now, from vanilla and lavender to grapefruit. It is completely up to you.
• With a soft cloth in your hands plunge your hands into the water and get the cloth very wet.
• Now, moving slowly and gently place a dish in the water and rub the cloth across the surface of it..over and over again.
• Place the dish in clean rinse water and repeat until she is moaning with pleasure.

Technique #2: Vibrate Me Baby

This technique utilizes what many women think of as toys…  It is a little more difficult and takes a little more muscle.   Extra credit on this one if you wear a black “wife beater” shirt at the same time.   Are you man enough?

•  Carefully pull the vacuum out of where it has been stored.  You know you want to.
• Plug it in and push all the right buttons.
•  Slowly move back and forth and back and forth across the carpet, you will know when to move to a new spot.
• Move to the next spot and repeat as long as it takes to get results.

Technique #3 : The Wet T Shirt Game
This game is pretty easy, although you will have to think quickly while in the midst of gettin’ your game on.  If you can handle the amount of agitation and vibration in the first few minutes you will be o.k. until the end.

•  You will need two piles…no I did not say poles, I said piles.
• Put everything white and light colored in one and everything dark colored in the other.
• Fill the washing machine with warm water and laundry soap (this is imperative…use the amount suggested by the manufacturer).
• Add the light pile.  Close the lid.
• Write her a love letter about how great her eyes are while you are waiting for it to finish
• Repeat with the dark colors except use cold water.
• Quick note: If your wife is screaming “Yes! Yes! Yes!” Don’t stop what you are doing..that is calleddomesticus interruptus and it really is frustrating for women.

Technique #4: What Goes Up Must Come Down

This is best used as a quickie, whether in the middle of the night or during a chaotic afternoon. She can’t say no to this.

• When you put the toilet seat up….put it back down.
• Every time.

I know…I know.. you almost can’t take any more verbal titillation.  Good thing this is a short list.  This last one is amazing.  It is incredible…it definitely saves the best for last.

Technique #5: Tonight It’s Oral Gratification

This will take some time to master.  Work on it while using other techniques several times a week and then just expose your big secret to her when she least expects it.  If you all ready know this technnique you should be using it to it’s full potential by adding to your repertoire of tricks.

• Learn to cook a whole meal.
• When she has had a particularly rough day run her a bath, preferably aromatic with LUSH bath stuff.
• While she is bathing fix your incredible dinner (hot dogs and popcorn does not count)
• While she is still relaxed from the bath and satiated with dinner proceed to technique #1.

You don;t have to thank me…no..really.
Good luck guys.

I have decided that by the end of this year I am going to buy myself a small, two seater,  convertible red sports car. I have many logical reasons for this decision.

• I will be 52 in April and if I wait too much longer I will not look hot in a sports car I will look like I stole a car in a moment of dementia.
• I have driven a van, station wagon or suv, complete with candy wrappers, science reports, and vomit stains since 1985.
• I look really, really good in red.
• If I only have two seats I can guarantee solitude if I take something large with me, like a box of old things to donate to the thrift shop OR if I say I am going shopping.
• I look really, really good in red.
• I can finally look at my teenagers and say, “Yeah? Who’s cool now?” as I dangle the keys in front of them.
• On the same note, I can use it as leverage to have certain tasks done around the house.
• I look really, really good in red.

For the first time in my life I don’t have to be practical for anyone. Everyone that I have known for the last 25 years or so thinks I am nuts anyway. There comes a point where you just smile and do the regal wave as you drive by (in your really cool, new, red convertible). I am at that point.

I have finally come to terms with the fact that I don’t have a quiet and gentle spirit. I laugh loud, let the kids sled down the staircase in cardboard boxes, and am apt to start a food fight if the dinner table gets too boring. I wear jeans, short skirts, long skirts, and I recently bought a push up bra for the first time since Reagan was in office.

My husband took me out to dinner.

Red sports cars are about doing what I want (within reason), and choosing to be around people who love me without wanting me to become something I am not.

Oh, I am not talking about maturation, spiritual growth, or changing for the better. I am talking about having to act, dress, or speak a certain way to fit in with your friends. I am talking about Having a glass of wine when you are on vacation in France but energetically nodding your head when the Pastor (or someone) talks about the evils of wine. I am talking about having the freedom to be honest about what you like and what you don’t like and really, truly transparent about your deepest self.

We learn to be darkly transparent with others. Just open enough to make them think we are open and honest but keeping that little bit of who we are to ourselves just in case it’s not acceptable.

A red sports car tells everyone you don’t give a flip anymore.

Oh, you’ll lose friends… but you would have lost them anyway, eventually. Because eventually they would have found a reason to move on. Real friends don’t take off no matter what. They hang in there and body surf with you through the sludge.

When I still really cared about what people thought, shortly after a major crisis in my life, I was invited to a party. Nearly everyone at the party had known me for over 20 years. All were in disagreement with my life at the moment and they probably had good reason – I don’t know. The waves of scorn and disdain literally washed over me at that party, with over 50 people in the room, including family members, who did not even look me in the eye. There was no flicker of a smile, no hello, no screw you, no nothing. No one sat with me other than my youngest children and my fiance (now husband). I was invisible except to one person who cornered me in the bathroom to let me know how horrible I was.

I had to leave the room several times to get control of my emotions, to pray, to find a place of peace. I threw up, I didn’t eat, and we left early. As I got into the safety of the van (white, candy wrappers, stains) I put my head down and I cried so hard that I hyperventilated. I cried all that night. I cried on and off for three days. Then I got mad.

Eventually though I came to a place where I just felt sorry for those people because they were being who they were deep inside. And I wanted them to be free to be themselves, just like I wanted to be free to be myself. I finally came to a place of forgiveness and understanding, although to this day that memory makes my heart feel like lead.

Good comes out of everything. I stopped caring what people thought.

So, when you see me in my red sports car, with my red short skirt, my V neck red sweater and push up bra, and my way cool leopard print Betsey Johnson shoes? You can smile and wave or you can roll your eyes and criticize me to other people.

Just be yourself. I am cool with that.

Wow! you guys have been awesome! Thanks so much for being part of this giveaway. Be sure to add Autumn Tapestry to your reader now that you know we are here!

Well, the winner of the gift certificate is Jade! I will be emailing you in the next two days and you will have three days to get back to me… OR if you read this you can just email me at maryeaudet[at]gmail[dot]com.

Congrats! and be sure to check back for more giveaways, more contests, more coolness…. all the time! Because we all know -

Being invisible sucks.

Love, Marye

O.k.. recently I have discovered Polyvore.
On that site I can create luscious fashions that I love… and can’t afford. Not the $200.00 outfits… I mean the $2000.00 outfits – like this one.

And then I realized I could create a knock off of that look much cheaper by using the Internet. Which may be a bad thing in the long run.

I love this great, sophisticated look. A simple black dress with leopard accents and tiger’s eye jewelry but the original look I created on Polyvore started with a $900.00 price tag on the gucci dress.
Can I do better on Amazon?
Check it out!

$129.32

$65.00

39.99

11.99

7.95

7.95

3.95

7.99

5.00

So, grand total? And that includes everything in the set including makeup…

Original set that I made – $1,579.00

Amazon set that I made – 279.36

Click on the images for information about sizes, fabrics, etc.

You could create the outfit for less by using a different dress but I wouldn’t suggest changing the shoes… Those Betsey Johnsons just make the look… I own them and I LOVE them…

Anyway… you will be seeing this hanging in my closet….soon. Unless you guys beat me to it.

When I was growing up my parents had record albums (remember those?) with Mitch Miller, Dean Martin, Frank Sinatra, and all those other romantic crooners. They would stick a stack of them on the hi-fi and we’d listen to the romantic strains of mid-century courting music for hours, especially during cocktail and dinner partiesc.

Don’t be deceived, folks, my parents battled most of the time and although they never divorced, they had a uniquely toxic relationship. One which probably should have ended in divorce rather than creating 51 years of misery for both of them.

My marriage ended in divorce just a month and two days shy of 30 years… without much fanfare.

Well, there is no reason to let divorce pass by unnoticed anymore.

Lumiere String Quartet is releasing an album entitled Music to Divorce By just in time for Valentine’s Day. Talk about a sign of the times, right?

Here’s a quote from the PR release I got this morning.

Divorce Music is the ultimate break-up album, a perfect cathartic gift for a friend going through a divorce. Following its successful predecessor, the top-selling album Classical Wedding Music, this new string quartet release will have you grooving to the beat at your next divorce party.

Well, alrighty, then.

I am not sure how I feel about a CD that is specifically divorce oriented. I mean, somewhere there is a line that should not be crossed… Music to Have Chemo By would be another life event that I can think of that might not be conducive to a serenade.

And then again – why not? A large percentage of us will go through or have gone through divorce. It isn’t fun. Depending on your social circle divorce can be just another crappy life event or it can be one of those things that feels like a dirty bomb went off in your life causing you to lose family, friends, and stature. Some music may be just the thing to help get through that, to soothe those torn places in our hearts.

The playlist is varied:

1. Ode To Sorrow (based on Ode to Joy) [4:27] Ludwig van Beethoven / Arr. Robert Paterson
2. Canon In D(ivorce) (based on Canon in D) [4:44] Johann Pachelbel / Arr. Robert Paterson
3. Midsummer Nightmare (based on A Midsummer Night’s Dream) [4:34] Felix Mendelssohn / Arr. Robert
4. Where Did We Go Wrong? [2:23] Andrew Lippa / Arr. by August Eriksmoen
5. Separate Ways (Worlds Apart) [4:32] John Friga and Stephen Perry Arr. Robert Paterson
6. 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover [3:37] Paul Simon / Arr. Robert Paterson
7. Time to Say Goodbye [3:49] Lucio Quarantotto & Francesco Sartori Arr. Robert Paterson
8. You Were Mine [3:30] Erwin Burns Emily & Martie Seidel Arr. Robert Paterson
9. D-I-V-O-R-C-E [2:59] Robert Braddock & Claude Putman Jr. Arr. Robert Paterson
10. These Boots Are Made for Walkin’ [3:05] Lee Hazlewood / Arr. Robert Paterson
11. Every Breath You Take [3:36] Sting / Arr. Robert Paterson
12. My Heart Will Go On [2:44] Arr. Larry Moore James Horner
13. I Will Survive [2:37] Dino Fekaris & Frederick Perren Arr. Robert Paterson
14. The Thrill Is Gone [3:25] Rick Darnell & Roy Hawkins Arr. Robert Paterson
15. Ode to an Ex-Wife (Eat S**t and Die) [3:52] Big Harry Johnson / Arr. Robert Paterson
16. I’m Still Standing [2:50] Elton John & Bernard Taupin Arr. Robert Paterson
TOTAL TIME: 57:32

With Valentine’s Day coming up – that wonderful, warm fuzzy celebration of all things couple and love, this CD may be a great addition to a singles party for your divorced, not in a relationship friends… or a great background sound while you are pitching darts at pics of the Ex.

Whatever.

Music to Divorce By will be available at Amazon, iTunes and other major retailers.

If you’d like to preorder this, downloadable on Amazon on 2/14/2012 just click on the link below for more details.

Image: Lumiere String Quartet, used by permission

I have three gorgeous grandchildren: A girl who is 5, and two boys, 4, and not quite 3. They are the children of my oldest daughter. Because of the nearly constant drama that still goes on between her and her ex-husband, I don’t get to spend nearly as much time with them as I would like. The time I do enjoy with them is fun and exhausting. (There are reasons that women don’t usually have babies after they turn 50.) It is amazing to watch the transformation as they have gone from helpless infants, to toddlers, to starting school. I love teaching, and try to squeeze some of it into our time together, from reading a book together, to reinforcing the concept of sharing. But I have to admit, they are teaching me some things as well.

My Grandchildren

Look at Me!

On the playground, it’s a constant cry of “Grandma, look at me!” and “Watch me! Are you watching?” They are so proud of what they are doing and want someone else to notice. They aren’t worried about being perceived as boastful or arrogant. They just want someone to watch and appreciate that they are doing something wonderful. They don’t yell at a stranger, “Hey, dude, watch me!” They get my attention, someone they love and who they know loves them. My hand-clapping and “Yay!” and “Wow!” is a simple thing that goes a long way in building the bond between us and building their confidence in themselves.
Maybe we women need to turn to someone that we know cares about us and say, “Look at me! Guess what I did today!” Sometimes just a little praise from someone is enough to get us through a tough spot or encourage us to push even harder towards a dream. You don’t have to win the Pulitzer Prize to have something to brag about. Maybe you are proud of a project you headed up at work, or you got all the bathrooms in your house clean at the same time. I’m not advocating becoming a braggart. But there is nothing wrong with sharing something you are proud of with a close friend. On the other side of this scenario, maybe a woman close to you could use some words of affirmation. You never know when your seemingly small “Atta girl” to a friend or sister may be just what she needed to get through the week.

Fight for what you want

Having two grandsons who are two years apart in age provides many, many teachable moments on the subject of sharing. We are quickly learning that we might as well give them identical presents at Christmas. Even if they each get a Thomas the Train playset all their own, it is not wise to get one that contains Thomas and one that contains Percy. They are both going to want Thomas. They don’t sit across the room from each other and think to themselves, “Look at him. He always gets the best toy. I wish I had one like his… no, I wish I had HIS!” They make it aware to everyone within earshot which toy they both want! How often do we sit in the corner and envy what another woman has, from a fit body, to beautiful hair, to a job doing what we dream of doing? As adults, we obviously aren’t going to start a screaming fight with each other to get what we want. But too often we stay in the corner, stewing in our jealousy, instead of going after what we want for ourselves. We would be much happier if we would just get up and fight (or work) for what we want. The woman you’re envying didn’t get where she is by sitting in the corner.

Just because it’s there, doesn’t mean you have to eat it

I grew up a card-carrying member of the clean-your-plate club. My parents even used the “there are children starving in India” line. So many times I wanted to say, “Well, box this up and send it to them!” When I was raising my children, I did, of course, encourage them to try new foods and made sure they ate a balanced diet. But, barring any real health issues, children are not going to starve to death if there is food available. We are born with a natural hunger and fullness indicator and young children, unless forced to clean their plate, will go by those feelings when they eat. I watched my youngest grandson when he was still sitting in a high chair and his mother put five chicken nuggets and some mac and cheese in front of him. He ate two and a half nuggets and maybe three spoonfuls of pasta and then started playing with the rest. After he got bored with that, he started quietly squirming his way down behind the tray and out of the chair. He was finished. He was satisfied and he quit eating. I, for one, need to learn that lesson! (And I’m working on it.)

When you do eat it, really enjoy it

Young children know how to enjoy food. When you first introduce them to solid food (which is really not solid at all), it doesn’t take long for them to let you know what they like and don’t like. They way my son spit baby food carrots, I should have been the one wearing a bib! But when you find something they like, they really like it! They will roll it around in their mouths and make “mmmm, mmmm” noises while they smack on their favorite food. As toddlers learning to feed themselves, they examine the texture, shape and colors of their food before they put it in their mouth and enjoy the taste. I think of how often I eat a meal and never really taste the food, sometimes to the point that I can’t remember what I had for dinner last night. There are scientific studies showing that when we slow down and really enjoy our food, we eat less and feel more satisfied. We tend to eat so fast and unconsciously that our brain sometimes literally doesn’t know we have eaten and continues to send down hunger signals to the stomach. Slow down; look at your meal before you dig in. Smell the aroma, take a small bite and really notice the texture and taste. You might discover that you really don’t even like Big Macs when you pay attention to them!

Say what you’re really thinking

OK, this one can be a little touchy, but… we all know that small children do not have a filter yet that tells them not to say whatever they think. Countless moms have been mortified by their 4-year-old son pointing at someone in a public place and saying, “Mom! Look at that fat lady over there!”? But there is something to be said for saying what you really think in appropriate ways. Some of us are so infected with the disease to please, or are constantly motivated by fear or what other people think, that we never speak up for ourselves and our ideas. This applies to your encounters with your partner, your children, your boss, and yes, even your mother. Of course, we don’t want to set out to hurt other people or bully our way into getting what we want. However, many of us have spent the last 50 years doing things everyone else’s way when we actually did have a better idea but didn’t speak up. I am blessed to have a supervisor at work that is open to suggestions and listens when we have ideas. Still, my conditioning sometimes still holds me back from saying, “What if we do it this way?” It becomes ingrained in our psyche and maybe it’s time we push against that habit more often. If your partner asks where you’d like to eat dinner, don’t automatically respond with “Oh, it doesn’t matter. Anything’s alright with me.” Stop and think. Listen to yourself for a minute. Is there a new place you’ve wanted to try or somewhere you haven’t been in a while that you’d like to revisit? Then say so.

PLAY!

It is a child’s job to play. It is one of the ways they learn about the world around them and themselves. Play sparks creativity. We all have seen a child have more fun with a box than they toy we gave them in the box. We could all use some play in our lives. Get down those board games. Put together a puzzle. Go to the playground. Swing on the swings and go down the slide. Most of us are so busy running from one appointment to another and trying to keep the house sparkling clean that we literally never get a breath of fresh air. Go outside. Lie on the grass. Look at the clouds. Make snow angels. Get a coloring book and crayons and remember the joy of coloring. If you love shoes, go to the shoe department and play dress-up, trying on even the most hideous shoes they have.

We often think that we, the adults, are here to teach the younger generation. And, if they will listen, we can. But we also need to look at the young and learn from them. After all, that used to be us.

COMMENTS CLOSED…. I will announce the winner tomorrow. Thanks!

A month or so ago I was contacted by a PR firm about a new line of skin care products. Understand that I routinely have 75 or more PR emails daily for everything from sex toys to computer software – it’s tough being one of the cool kids, huh? I emailed them back and told them I don’t recommend anything without first trying it… and I thought that would be the end of it… but it wasn’t. They offered to let me try one of the products.

You have to respect a company that believes in its product enough that it will send a full size version to someone that is going to write about it. I mean, you never know what someone is going to think, you know?

I talked to Sheryl, the creator of these products about my individual issues. I am nearly 52, I am still perimenopausal, I have no thyroid, and I have super dry skin. I have just started noticing uneven skin tone on my face, have a few light wrinkles around my eyes…. You know, you are there, too. My skin just doesn’t look like it did when I was 20.

Sheryl recommended the Advanced Omega Night Repair Serum.

I received the serum and began using it immediately. I mean immediately, too. I ran into the bathroom and washed my face and smoothed a few drops of the fragrant oil over my face. Then I went and read up on what I was supposed to be looking forward to.
“exceptional hydration, cellular regeneration and a radiant glow”

Cool!

I did not change anything else in my regime. I was a bit concerned because we were moving into cold weather and almost nothing can keep my skin from getting chapped and peeling once the heat goes on in the house.

After a week of using the serum I thought that I saw a difference. By the end of  three weeks I was pretty sure and by the time a month was up I new that my skin tone was more even, I wasn’t quite as dry as usual and… was I imagining it? The dark circles under my eyes seemed to be fading.

Do I recommend this? Yep I do. The serum is $68.00 but keep in mind that it is vegan, organic, and it lasts for a really long time. I still have some left and I know it has been two months. You only use a few drops and you can even add it to your moisturizer to make it go a little further.

I like this stuff so much that I am planning on buying the whole system once my Olay Regenerist is gone. It really made a difference for me – and they even have a spot where you can let the specialist know about your individual needs and get suggestions for the best products for your skin.

We are now into January and my skin is not as dry as usual. It still doesn’t look like it did when I was 20 but I don’t look 52 either. And… last but not least? It smells so GOOOOOOOOOOD.

Run over to their website and take a look at all the cool things they have.  You can find out more information about the ingredients in their products and the ingredients in conventional products on the blog, and you can keep up with all of the news by liking their Sevani Facebook Page. If you do decide to order? Please say hi to Sheryl for me.

Tell you what. I will make it more interesting. Autumn Tapestry will give away a $25 gift card for Sevani products ( and I am footing the bill for this, that’s how much I like the product) to one lucky reader. Between January 6, 2012 and January 13, 2012 (who says friday the 13th is unlucky?} one lucky reader will win a gift certificate. Here’s how.

You will get one entry for each of the following:

• Go to Sevani and look at the products. Come back here and leave a comment letting me know which you would like to try.
• Like Sevani on facebook and then come back here and leave a comment telling me you did.
• Follow Sevani on Twitter and come back here and comment that you did.
• Twitter this giveaway and let me know with a comment.
• Post about this giveaway on your own blog and link back to this post.

Disclaimer: This product was supplied for review by Sevani and no cost to me. 

image: Sevani, used by permission

This giveaway is also advertised on OLS online sweepstakes registry.

Impending divorce and 2 long-term (18 and 7 years) marriages that didn’t work have caused me to take a long hard look at how I keep getting into these things. Because I’m 50, not 15, I am looking a lot at myself and my part in the relationships, in hopes of not repeating the same pattern ever again. While I have NO intentions of ever marrying again, I would like to have at least one healthy relationship with a man before I leave this world.

Ultimately, I ended the first marriage because of his infidelity, and the second because of abuse (of several different kinds). While it would be easy to point the finger at their blatant violations of the marriage vows and my trust, it takes two to tango. There is no excuse for cheating or abuse, under any circumstances. I’m not setting out to take the blame. That rests firmly on their heads. But I’m not doing myself any favors if I don’t examine myself, what I could have done differently and my role in what were obviously two unhealthy situations.

After some not-so-pleasant interactions with my current husband in the past few days, I am realizing that I need to look at my motives. Why do I do certain things when I really don’t want to do them? And a big factor in this relationship was fear.

Looking back, I can see that nearly everything I did or didn’t do in the last few years of this marriage were not done out of love, but fear. Fear of his anger, fear of abandonment, and sometimes just fear of verbal confrontation. Sometimes, I just didn’t want to hear his mouth going on and on and on about something, so I conceded to what he wanted. This applied to little things like housekeeping preferences to big things like purchasing big ticket items that we didn’t need and couldn’t really afford. (I feel that I need to say here that the physical abuse was not ongoing. There was one incident of that, but one is enough, for any woman, and was where I ultimately drew the line.)

I know now that, for the last half of that marriage, I tried to conform to his wishes, all the while knowing nothing would ever be enough. The house could never be clean enough, I could never dress “cool” enough, the bedroom would never be spicy enough. The fact that I felt that all of these areas were mine alone to perfect should have been a clue. In a healthy relationship, don’t both people take responsibility for things like cleaning up after themselves and helping make their sex life better? It’s amazing how clearly one can see in hindsight.

Whether you’re in a relationship now, or wanting to learn from past mistakes, take a look inside at what motivates you to do the things you do. Cleaning the bathroom looks like cleaning the bathroom from the outside. But it feels a lot different on the inside, depending on your motive. Are you doing it because you love the way it sparkles when you’re finished, or because it is one of those household things that just has to be done, or because there is a knot in the pit of your stomach and a voice in your head saying, “I HAVE to get this done before 6 so he doesn’t have one more reason to blow a gasket.”? The first 2 reasons are typical in a healthy relationship. The third is a sign of abuse. A wife should not have to walk on eggshells to appease the temper of her husband. That is not love. That is fear.

I didn’t really realize that I was living in fear until it was gone. About a week after he was gone, I was suddenly aware that something inside me was different. I felt lighter, freer, happier. I realized that I no longer had a huge knot of tension in the pit of my stomach. I didn’t even know I was carrying that around until it was gone!

Certainly, we wives do some things we’re not crazy about because it makes our husbands happy. What we need to think about is what is really motivating us. Do you agree to the purchase of a high-tech, high-dollar item because you feel that your husband deserves to have something he wants and you know he will reciprocate later when you want something that’s just for you? Or do you say you’re OK with his new toy because you know if you don’t agree you will never hear the end of it and may even have to endure verbal abuse because “You never let him have what he wants.”? Do you plan and cook your husband’s favorite meal once in a while as a way to say “I love you”? Or do you cringe when you put his plate in front of him, knowing that he is going to find something wrong with the meal, no matter how much effort you put into it?

Think about the things, big and little, that you do and ask yourself why you are doing them. If it’s out of love and you are in a healthy relationship, by all means, keep up the good work and show that man how you feel. But if you are honest with yourself, and realize that fear that is driving you to continue to try to be good enough, it’s time to ask yourself if this is really the way you want to live.

I chose to get out. And I have not regretted that decision for one second.

At every moment, a woman makes a choice: between the state of the queen and the state of the slave girl. In out natural state, we are glorious beings. In the world of illusion, we are lost and imprisoned, slaves to our appetites and our will to false power. Our jailer is a three-headed monster: one head our past, one our insecurity, and one our popular culture

-Marianne Williamson, A Woman’s Worth

At least once a year, I read A Woman’s Worth. This is a relatively short book by Marianne Williamson that reminds me each time I read it that there is more to who I am than what I do, how I look, or how others perceive me. It always brings me back to basics, that I have the choice at any given moment to reclaim my God-given worth. He created us women with power that we seldom realize, and even less often tap into. I probably need to read it once a month!

This year, I want to spend more of my time and energy claiming my power and inspiring other women to claim theirs. I don’t mean power OVER someone else or something, I mean power TO. We need to reclaim the power that we all carry within us to influence, attract, affect, instruct, love, give, and actually determine the course of our lives. And it all boils down to choices. Every minute of every day, we do have choices. We may not admit we have a choice in some situations, but if we really step back and look, there are always choices. Now, some of the choices may be almost out of our mind’s ability to fathom, but they are still there.

We may think that we are in a relationship where we have no choice but to stay. Be honest with yourself. You always have the choice to stay or leave. The reason we think we don’t have that choice, is because the choice to leave may be very difficult or downright scary. We may not see how we can make it on our own, alone or with our children. Or we may have had our self-worth beaten down so far that we can’t even comprehend that we are smart enough or strong enough to take that giant leap into the unknown.

We may have convinced ourselves that we are stuck in our present career, even if we dread getting up every morning to face it. It can be very frightening to think of leaving the security of an income, and maybe even the status, of a job in which you have invested so much of your time and effort. But you must look at what you really want and decide if it’s worth staying for the safety net or if you must jump ship and do what you really love.

Reclaiming our power can be something as simple as saying “no” to an invitation to an event you do not want to attend. It may mean kindly but firmly telling your mother that you appreciate her input, but you are going to do things your own way. (And, yes, even at midlife, we can still struggle with the mother-daughter dynamic!) Maybe you need to take a stand with a child who is still living at home far longer than an adult should stay with their parents.

When we see a woman who is living in her power, we tend to think that one day she woke up, decided to make changes and voila! she became the woman we are beholding. In reality, what apppears to be a huge, sudden change is actually the result of many small decisions over time. It’s not wise to up and quit your job and move to Bali without first deciding how you’re going to get there and how you’re going to at least buy food to eat. In fact, making that kind of move without forethought would be the opposite of walking in your power.

Today, make at least one decision from a place of personal power. Say “no” to something. Say “yes” to something. When you take even a small step in the right direction, you will begin to see more opportunities to exercise the strength that lies within you. Just like your physical muscles, the strength of your inner self will only get stronger with use.

Leave a comment and let us know what new choices you are making, no matter how small or large.