I read a quote on Facebook this morning that really struck a nerve, or rather, a heart-string in me.

A competent and self-confident person is incapable of jealousy in anything. Jealousy is invariably a symptom of neurotic insecurity.
– Robert Heinlein

Wow. If I accept this as truth, I am going to have a lot of work to do – on myself. See, I’ve always had a secret problem with jealousy. But, after reading this quote and looking up the word on dictionary.com, I have a renewed urgency to deal with it.

photo from stock.xchng

I consider myself competent, as least in some areas. I am a good mother, I was a good wife (contrary to the beliefs of my exes!), and I am more than competent in my job. “Self-confident”? Now that’s another animal altogether. Somewhere along the way, back in a corner of my mind, I’ve gotten the idea that self-confidence is a bad thing – that if I come off as too self-confident, I will offend, intimidate, and alienate people. OK, so that’s another area I need to address.

What Is Jealousy?

Jealousy is often assumed to be a sign of love. If I love someone, I want to have them and I don’t want anyone else to have them. In reality, if I truly love someone, I want their happiness, even if it means I’m not the center of their universe. Jealousy grasps and holds onto and sucks the life out of people. Love – true love – gives and honors and lets go, to allow the object of love the freedom to be themselves and thrive.

Some people live their lives striving to make other people jealous, of what they own, of who they marry, of how they look. This is just another facet of insecurity. It says I am not enough the way I am, I have to own something, or be something, or look a certain way, not just for my own fulfillment, but to cause resentment in others who don’t.

Jealousy -
1. resentment against a rival, a person enjoying success or advantage, etc., or against another’s success or advantage itself.
2. mental uneasiness from suspicion or fear of rivalry, unfaithfulness, etc., as in love or aims.
3. vigilance in maintaining or guarding something.

When I read the definition and the first word was “resentment”, I was stopped in my tracks for a moment. I never thought of jealousy and resentment together. To me, jealousy was simply wanting something someone had, or fearing that someone would take away something that I had. But resentment sheds a whole new light on the issue. I don’t think of myself as resentful. I’m thankful for my life and the people and things in it. Sure, there have been some bad times, but I really am a blessed woman.

Jealousy and Fear

As I reflect on the times that I can remember being jealous, most of the time it was rooted in fear. Fear that someone would leave me. Fear that I would lose something I owned. Fear that I would never have the things or relationships that I saw others having. I also realize that, in the instances that I was jealous of someone having a situation or possessions, we were in different places simply because we had made different life choices.

I was jealous of a woman who had a large house and nice cars, but she had chosen to focus on her career and I had chosen to have a large family. Neither choice is “right” or “wrong”, just different. How can I resent someone when, had I made different choices, I could have lived the same type of lifestyle? I have five children. She has none. Would I trade places? No, I wouldn’t.

When I was dating my children’s father, I was jealous of his attention, time, and affection. Youth was part of it, and though I loved him as much as I knew how at that age, I can see now that all of that drama was simply my insecurity in myself and my feelings of unworthiness.

Most of us struggle with jealousy of some sort in our lives, especially when we are young and not so wise. Life experiences have taught us, by midlife, that many of the folks we envied weren’t what they appeared to be, or that their situations were a façade they had created, and certainly nothing of which to be jealous.

Still, it is easy to fall back into that mode of thinking and feeling when things in our own lives are not going the way we had planned or dreamed. So how do we handle it when the green-eyed monster shows up?

Steps to Overcoming

Since jealousy is largely a focus on someone else, the antidote is to focus on ourselves. This can be a sore spot with women, because our society has twisted anything that contains the word “self” into “selfishness” and none of us want to be a accused of that! Yet, it is the lack of turning inward that gives fuel to the overwhelming feelings of jealousy that can overtake us.

1) If you’re jealous of someone else’s abilities or accomplishments, make a list of the talents you have and the things you have achieved. Pat yourself on the back! You may find that your list far outweighs the one you’ve created for the other person in your mind.
2) When you wish you possessed something another person has – a home, a car, a marriage, a job – make a list of pros and cons for each item. Ask yourself if it’s something you really want and are you willing to do what it takes to get it for yourself? Sometimes, what looks great in someone else’s life (Her daddy buys her anything she wants, even though she’s an adult.) may not be worth the price they have paid to keep it (She has to cater to her father and bend to his wishes in order to keep the cash flowing.) If it something you consider worth the effort, then focus on a plan to make it happen.
3) Count your blessings. Yes, this is an old standby, but it really does work. When I focus on all the things for which I am grateful, I realize that I don’t have it so bad after all.
4) If you just have to compare yourself with someone else, reach out to someone less fortunate. Nothing keeps jealousy at bay like helping someone who can’t help themselves. Look around. It’s not hard to find someone in a worse situation that we can bless with something that we have, whether it’s cooking a meal for a family whose mom is ill, or writing a note of encouragement to a single mom who is doing the best she can with what she has.

In a society where looking a certain way, owning certain things, and living a certain lifestyle are valued as things for which we should strive, your best defense is a dose of reality. That woman whose life you envy, may not be as happy as she appears.

I wrote this when I was writing a marriage blog for b5media. The blog went under, the marriage went under but the truth of this list remains. it is invaluable information to the man who wants to please his lady.

Please enjoy.

Between being married a long time, and also being a woman, I can tell you guys that there are certain things you can do to make your wife swoon. And you want to make her swoon, right?

Of course you do.

These techniques aren’t difficult, anyone can do them and they are some of the sexiest things I can think of…and I have quite the imagination…

So.  Are you ready?  Are you all that is man? Wipe that drop of drool from the corner of your mouth and read on….

Technique #1 : Wet Hands

Yep, it is the wet hands technique.  Cetainly one of the most popular among most women polled for this article. So simple.  So exciting.  You will leave her breathless.

• Fill the kitchen sink up with hot water and add a few drops of a scented dish liquid.  Not too many, you don’t want it to be harsh. There are many  very nice scents out now, from vanilla and lavender to grapefruit. It is completely up to you.
• With a soft cloth in your hands plunge your hands into the water and get the cloth very wet.
• Now, moving slowly and gently place a dish in the water and rub the cloth across the surface of it..over and over again.
• Place the dish in clean rinse water and repeat until she is moaning with pleasure.

Technique #2: Vibrate Me Baby

This technique utilizes what many women think of as toys…  It is a little more difficult and takes a little more muscle.   Extra credit on this one if you wear a black “wife beater” shirt at the same time.   Are you man enough?

•  Carefully pull the vacuum out of where it has been stored.  You know you want to.
• Plug it in and push all the right buttons.
•  Slowly move back and forth and back and forth across the carpet, you will know when to move to a new spot.
• Move to the next spot and repeat as long as it takes to get results.

Technique #3 : The Wet T Shirt Game
This game is pretty easy, although you will have to think quickly while in the midst of gettin’ your game on.  If you can handle the amount of agitation and vibration in the first few minutes you will be o.k. until the end.

•  You will need two piles…no I did not say poles, I said piles.
• Put everything white and light colored in one and everything dark colored in the other.
• Fill the washing machine with warm water and laundry soap (this is imperative…use the amount suggested by the manufacturer).
• Add the light pile.  Close the lid.
• Write her a love letter about how great her eyes are while you are waiting for it to finish
• Repeat with the dark colors except use cold water.
• Quick note: If your wife is screaming “Yes! Yes! Yes!” Don’t stop what you are doing..that is calleddomesticus interruptus and it really is frustrating for women.

Technique #4: What Goes Up Must Come Down

This is best used as a quickie, whether in the middle of the night or during a chaotic afternoon. She can’t say no to this.

• When you put the toilet seat up….put it back down.
• Every time.

I know…I know.. you almost can’t take any more verbal titillation.  Good thing this is a short list.  This last one is amazing.  It is incredible…it definitely saves the best for last.

Technique #5: Tonight It’s Oral Gratification

This will take some time to master.  Work on it while using other techniques several times a week and then just expose your big secret to her when she least expects it.  If you all ready know this technnique you should be using it to it’s full potential by adding to your repertoire of tricks.

• Learn to cook a whole meal.
• When she has had a particularly rough day run her a bath, preferably aromatic with LUSH bath stuff.
• While she is bathing fix your incredible dinner (hot dogs and popcorn does not count)
• While she is still relaxed from the bath and satiated with dinner proceed to technique #1.

You don;t have to thank me…no..really.
Good luck guys.

When I was growing up my parents had record albums (remember those?) with Mitch Miller, Dean Martin, Frank Sinatra, and all those other romantic crooners. They would stick a stack of them on the hi-fi and we’d listen to the romantic strains of mid-century courting music for hours, especially during cocktail and dinner partiesc.

Don’t be deceived, folks, my parents battled most of the time and although they never divorced, they had a uniquely toxic relationship. One which probably should have ended in divorce rather than creating 51 years of misery for both of them.

My marriage ended in divorce just a month and two days shy of 30 years… without much fanfare.

Well, there is no reason to let divorce pass by unnoticed anymore.

Lumiere String Quartet is releasing an album entitled Music to Divorce By just in time for Valentine’s Day. Talk about a sign of the times, right?

Here’s a quote from the PR release I got this morning.

Divorce Music is the ultimate break-up album, a perfect cathartic gift for a friend going through a divorce. Following its successful predecessor, the top-selling album Classical Wedding Music, this new string quartet release will have you grooving to the beat at your next divorce party.

Well, alrighty, then.

I am not sure how I feel about a CD that is specifically divorce oriented. I mean, somewhere there is a line that should not be crossed… Music to Have Chemo By would be another life event that I can think of that might not be conducive to a serenade.

And then again – why not? A large percentage of us will go through or have gone through divorce. It isn’t fun. Depending on your social circle divorce can be just another crappy life event or it can be one of those things that feels like a dirty bomb went off in your life causing you to lose family, friends, and stature. Some music may be just the thing to help get through that, to soothe those torn places in our hearts.

The playlist is varied:

1. Ode To Sorrow (based on Ode to Joy) [4:27] Ludwig van Beethoven / Arr. Robert Paterson
2. Canon In D(ivorce) (based on Canon in D) [4:44] Johann Pachelbel / Arr. Robert Paterson
3. Midsummer Nightmare (based on A Midsummer Night’s Dream) [4:34] Felix Mendelssohn / Arr. Robert
4. Where Did We Go Wrong? [2:23] Andrew Lippa / Arr. by August Eriksmoen
5. Separate Ways (Worlds Apart) [4:32] John Friga and Stephen Perry Arr. Robert Paterson
6. 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover [3:37] Paul Simon / Arr. Robert Paterson
7. Time to Say Goodbye [3:49] Lucio Quarantotto & Francesco Sartori Arr. Robert Paterson
8. You Were Mine [3:30] Erwin Burns Emily & Martie Seidel Arr. Robert Paterson
9. D-I-V-O-R-C-E [2:59] Robert Braddock & Claude Putman Jr. Arr. Robert Paterson
10. These Boots Are Made for Walkin’ [3:05] Lee Hazlewood / Arr. Robert Paterson
11. Every Breath You Take [3:36] Sting / Arr. Robert Paterson
12. My Heart Will Go On [2:44] Arr. Larry Moore James Horner
13. I Will Survive [2:37] Dino Fekaris & Frederick Perren Arr. Robert Paterson
14. The Thrill Is Gone [3:25] Rick Darnell & Roy Hawkins Arr. Robert Paterson
15. Ode to an Ex-Wife (Eat S**t and Die) [3:52] Big Harry Johnson / Arr. Robert Paterson
16. I’m Still Standing [2:50] Elton John & Bernard Taupin Arr. Robert Paterson
TOTAL TIME: 57:32

With Valentine’s Day coming up – that wonderful, warm fuzzy celebration of all things couple and love, this CD may be a great addition to a singles party for your divorced, not in a relationship friends… or a great background sound while you are pitching darts at pics of the Ex.

Whatever.

Music to Divorce By will be available at Amazon, iTunes and other major retailers.

If you’d like to preorder this, downloadable on Amazon on 2/14/2012 just click on the link below for more details.

Image: Lumiere String Quartet, used by permission

I have three gorgeous grandchildren: A girl who is 5, and two boys, 4, and not quite 3. They are the children of my oldest daughter. Because of the nearly constant drama that still goes on between her and her ex-husband, I don’t get to spend nearly as much time with them as I would like. The time I do enjoy with them is fun and exhausting. (There are reasons that women don’t usually have babies after they turn 50.) It is amazing to watch the transformation as they have gone from helpless infants, to toddlers, to starting school. I love teaching, and try to squeeze some of it into our time together, from reading a book together, to reinforcing the concept of sharing. But I have to admit, they are teaching me some things as well.

My Grandchildren

Look at Me!

On the playground, it’s a constant cry of “Grandma, look at me!” and “Watch me! Are you watching?” They are so proud of what they are doing and want someone else to notice. They aren’t worried about being perceived as boastful or arrogant. They just want someone to watch and appreciate that they are doing something wonderful. They don’t yell at a stranger, “Hey, dude, watch me!” They get my attention, someone they love and who they know loves them. My hand-clapping and “Yay!” and “Wow!” is a simple thing that goes a long way in building the bond between us and building their confidence in themselves.
Maybe we women need to turn to someone that we know cares about us and say, “Look at me! Guess what I did today!” Sometimes just a little praise from someone is enough to get us through a tough spot or encourage us to push even harder towards a dream. You don’t have to win the Pulitzer Prize to have something to brag about. Maybe you are proud of a project you headed up at work, or you got all the bathrooms in your house clean at the same time. I’m not advocating becoming a braggart. But there is nothing wrong with sharing something you are proud of with a close friend. On the other side of this scenario, maybe a woman close to you could use some words of affirmation. You never know when your seemingly small “Atta girl” to a friend or sister may be just what she needed to get through the week.

Fight for what you want

Having two grandsons who are two years apart in age provides many, many teachable moments on the subject of sharing. We are quickly learning that we might as well give them identical presents at Christmas. Even if they each get a Thomas the Train playset all their own, it is not wise to get one that contains Thomas and one that contains Percy. They are both going to want Thomas. They don’t sit across the room from each other and think to themselves, “Look at him. He always gets the best toy. I wish I had one like his… no, I wish I had HIS!” They make it aware to everyone within earshot which toy they both want! How often do we sit in the corner and envy what another woman has, from a fit body, to beautiful hair, to a job doing what we dream of doing? As adults, we obviously aren’t going to start a screaming fight with each other to get what we want. But too often we stay in the corner, stewing in our jealousy, instead of going after what we want for ourselves. We would be much happier if we would just get up and fight (or work) for what we want. The woman you’re envying didn’t get where she is by sitting in the corner.

Just because it’s there, doesn’t mean you have to eat it

I grew up a card-carrying member of the clean-your-plate club. My parents even used the “there are children starving in India” line. So many times I wanted to say, “Well, box this up and send it to them!” When I was raising my children, I did, of course, encourage them to try new foods and made sure they ate a balanced diet. But, barring any real health issues, children are not going to starve to death if there is food available. We are born with a natural hunger and fullness indicator and young children, unless forced to clean their plate, will go by those feelings when they eat. I watched my youngest grandson when he was still sitting in a high chair and his mother put five chicken nuggets and some mac and cheese in front of him. He ate two and a half nuggets and maybe three spoonfuls of pasta and then started playing with the rest. After he got bored with that, he started quietly squirming his way down behind the tray and out of the chair. He was finished. He was satisfied and he quit eating. I, for one, need to learn that lesson! (And I’m working on it.)

When you do eat it, really enjoy it

Young children know how to enjoy food. When you first introduce them to solid food (which is really not solid at all), it doesn’t take long for them to let you know what they like and don’t like. They way my son spit baby food carrots, I should have been the one wearing a bib! But when you find something they like, they really like it! They will roll it around in their mouths and make “mmmm, mmmm” noises while they smack on their favorite food. As toddlers learning to feed themselves, they examine the texture, shape and colors of their food before they put it in their mouth and enjoy the taste. I think of how often I eat a meal and never really taste the food, sometimes to the point that I can’t remember what I had for dinner last night. There are scientific studies showing that when we slow down and really enjoy our food, we eat less and feel more satisfied. We tend to eat so fast and unconsciously that our brain sometimes literally doesn’t know we have eaten and continues to send down hunger signals to the stomach. Slow down; look at your meal before you dig in. Smell the aroma, take a small bite and really notice the texture and taste. You might discover that you really don’t even like Big Macs when you pay attention to them!

Say what you’re really thinking

OK, this one can be a little touchy, but… we all know that small children do not have a filter yet that tells them not to say whatever they think. Countless moms have been mortified by their 4-year-old son pointing at someone in a public place and saying, “Mom! Look at that fat lady over there!”? But there is something to be said for saying what you really think in appropriate ways. Some of us are so infected with the disease to please, or are constantly motivated by fear or what other people think, that we never speak up for ourselves and our ideas. This applies to your encounters with your partner, your children, your boss, and yes, even your mother. Of course, we don’t want to set out to hurt other people or bully our way into getting what we want. However, many of us have spent the last 50 years doing things everyone else’s way when we actually did have a better idea but didn’t speak up. I am blessed to have a supervisor at work that is open to suggestions and listens when we have ideas. Still, my conditioning sometimes still holds me back from saying, “What if we do it this way?” It becomes ingrained in our psyche and maybe it’s time we push against that habit more often. If your partner asks where you’d like to eat dinner, don’t automatically respond with “Oh, it doesn’t matter. Anything’s alright with me.” Stop and think. Listen to yourself for a minute. Is there a new place you’ve wanted to try or somewhere you haven’t been in a while that you’d like to revisit? Then say so.

PLAY!

It is a child’s job to play. It is one of the ways they learn about the world around them and themselves. Play sparks creativity. We all have seen a child have more fun with a box than they toy we gave them in the box. We could all use some play in our lives. Get down those board games. Put together a puzzle. Go to the playground. Swing on the swings and go down the slide. Most of us are so busy running from one appointment to another and trying to keep the house sparkling clean that we literally never get a breath of fresh air. Go outside. Lie on the grass. Look at the clouds. Make snow angels. Get a coloring book and crayons and remember the joy of coloring. If you love shoes, go to the shoe department and play dress-up, trying on even the most hideous shoes they have.

We often think that we, the adults, are here to teach the younger generation. And, if they will listen, we can. But we also need to look at the young and learn from them. After all, that used to be us.

Impending divorce and 2 long-term (18 and 7 years) marriages that didn’t work have caused me to take a long hard look at how I keep getting into these things. Because I’m 50, not 15, I am looking a lot at myself and my part in the relationships, in hopes of not repeating the same pattern ever again. While I have NO intentions of ever marrying again, I would like to have at least one healthy relationship with a man before I leave this world.

Ultimately, I ended the first marriage because of his infidelity, and the second because of abuse (of several different kinds). While it would be easy to point the finger at their blatant violations of the marriage vows and my trust, it takes two to tango. There is no excuse for cheating or abuse, under any circumstances. I’m not setting out to take the blame. That rests firmly on their heads. But I’m not doing myself any favors if I don’t examine myself, what I could have done differently and my role in what were obviously two unhealthy situations.

After some not-so-pleasant interactions with my current husband in the past few days, I am realizing that I need to look at my motives. Why do I do certain things when I really don’t want to do them? And a big factor in this relationship was fear.

Looking back, I can see that nearly everything I did or didn’t do in the last few years of this marriage were not done out of love, but fear. Fear of his anger, fear of abandonment, and sometimes just fear of verbal confrontation. Sometimes, I just didn’t want to hear his mouth going on and on and on about something, so I conceded to what he wanted. This applied to little things like housekeeping preferences to big things like purchasing big ticket items that we didn’t need and couldn’t really afford. (I feel that I need to say here that the physical abuse was not ongoing. There was one incident of that, but one is enough, for any woman, and was where I ultimately drew the line.)

I know now that, for the last half of that marriage, I tried to conform to his wishes, all the while knowing nothing would ever be enough. The house could never be clean enough, I could never dress “cool” enough, the bedroom would never be spicy enough. The fact that I felt that all of these areas were mine alone to perfect should have been a clue. In a healthy relationship, don’t both people take responsibility for things like cleaning up after themselves and helping make their sex life better? It’s amazing how clearly one can see in hindsight.

Whether you’re in a relationship now, or wanting to learn from past mistakes, take a look inside at what motivates you to do the things you do. Cleaning the bathroom looks like cleaning the bathroom from the outside. But it feels a lot different on the inside, depending on your motive. Are you doing it because you love the way it sparkles when you’re finished, or because it is one of those household things that just has to be done, or because there is a knot in the pit of your stomach and a voice in your head saying, “I HAVE to get this done before 6 so he doesn’t have one more reason to blow a gasket.”? The first 2 reasons are typical in a healthy relationship. The third is a sign of abuse. A wife should not have to walk on eggshells to appease the temper of her husband. That is not love. That is fear.

I didn’t really realize that I was living in fear until it was gone. About a week after he was gone, I was suddenly aware that something inside me was different. I felt lighter, freer, happier. I realized that I no longer had a huge knot of tension in the pit of my stomach. I didn’t even know I was carrying that around until it was gone!

Certainly, we wives do some things we’re not crazy about because it makes our husbands happy. What we need to think about is what is really motivating us. Do you agree to the purchase of a high-tech, high-dollar item because you feel that your husband deserves to have something he wants and you know he will reciprocate later when you want something that’s just for you? Or do you say you’re OK with his new toy because you know if you don’t agree you will never hear the end of it and may even have to endure verbal abuse because “You never let him have what he wants.”? Do you plan and cook your husband’s favorite meal once in a while as a way to say “I love you”? Or do you cringe when you put his plate in front of him, knowing that he is going to find something wrong with the meal, no matter how much effort you put into it?

Think about the things, big and little, that you do and ask yourself why you are doing them. If it’s out of love and you are in a healthy relationship, by all means, keep up the good work and show that man how you feel. But if you are honest with yourself, and realize that fear that is driving you to continue to try to be good enough, it’s time to ask yourself if this is really the way you want to live.

I chose to get out. And I have not regretted that decision for one second.

At every moment, a woman makes a choice: between the state of the queen and the state of the slave girl. In out natural state, we are glorious beings. In the world of illusion, we are lost and imprisoned, slaves to our appetites and our will to false power. Our jailer is a three-headed monster: one head our past, one our insecurity, and one our popular culture

-Marianne Williamson, A Woman’s Worth

At least once a year, I read A Woman’s Worth. This is a relatively short book by Marianne Williamson that reminds me each time I read it that there is more to who I am than what I do, how I look, or how others perceive me. It always brings me back to basics, that I have the choice at any given moment to reclaim my God-given worth. He created us women with power that we seldom realize, and even less often tap into. I probably need to read it once a month!

This year, I want to spend more of my time and energy claiming my power and inspiring other women to claim theirs. I don’t mean power OVER someone else or something, I mean power TO. We need to reclaim the power that we all carry within us to influence, attract, affect, instruct, love, give, and actually determine the course of our lives. And it all boils down to choices. Every minute of every day, we do have choices. We may not admit we have a choice in some situations, but if we really step back and look, there are always choices. Now, some of the choices may be almost out of our mind’s ability to fathom, but they are still there.

We may think that we are in a relationship where we have no choice but to stay. Be honest with yourself. You always have the choice to stay or leave. The reason we think we don’t have that choice, is because the choice to leave may be very difficult or downright scary. We may not see how we can make it on our own, alone or with our children. Or we may have had our self-worth beaten down so far that we can’t even comprehend that we are smart enough or strong enough to take that giant leap into the unknown.

We may have convinced ourselves that we are stuck in our present career, even if we dread getting up every morning to face it. It can be very frightening to think of leaving the security of an income, and maybe even the status, of a job in which you have invested so much of your time and effort. But you must look at what you really want and decide if it’s worth staying for the safety net or if you must jump ship and do what you really love.

Reclaiming our power can be something as simple as saying “no” to an invitation to an event you do not want to attend. It may mean kindly but firmly telling your mother that you appreciate her input, but you are going to do things your own way. (And, yes, even at midlife, we can still struggle with the mother-daughter dynamic!) Maybe you need to take a stand with a child who is still living at home far longer than an adult should stay with their parents.

When we see a woman who is living in her power, we tend to think that one day she woke up, decided to make changes and voila! she became the woman we are beholding. In reality, what apppears to be a huge, sudden change is actually the result of many small decisions over time. It’s not wise to up and quit your job and move to Bali without first deciding how you’re going to get there and how you’re going to at least buy food to eat. In fact, making that kind of move without forethought would be the opposite of walking in your power.

Today, make at least one decision from a place of personal power. Say “no” to something. Say “yes” to something. When you take even a small step in the right direction, you will begin to see more opportunities to exercise the strength that lies within you. Just like your physical muscles, the strength of your inner self will only get stronger with use.

Leave a comment and let us know what new choices you are making, no matter how small or large.

Yep, here it is! The “here comes the new year” entry you expect from every blog on the internet. It is natural for us to pause momentarily at the end of the year to reflect on the past year and look forward to the new one. For some of us, 2011 was a year of drama, trauma, big change and events that turned our world upside down. For others, it was just 365 days of the same ole, same ole routine, running on the same wheel as always – or rather, sitting on the same couch.

I am in the first group, as I have recently ended an eight-year relationship and moved to a new home. In the process, I have pared down a lot of my belongings and simplified my home. It’s amazing how much stuff we accumulate over time that we don’t need and don’t bring us joy. I am focusing on keeping only the things that fall into those two categories: need and joy.

As I write this, though, I realize that parts of my life fall into the second group, whose year was just going through the motions of the mundane, everyday things that have to be done, with no real specialness to anything. I spent much of my time this past year trying to salvage a relationship that was too dysfunctional to save. In doing that, I spent a lot of time at home, turned down invitations to things that would have been fun, and generally tried not to rock the boat.

So, as the new year rolls in, ready or not, let’s only look back to learn what needs to be learned and take note of things we want to change. let’s spend more of our emotional and mental energy looking forward, dreaming new dreams, following through on long-held dreams, and making this the year we will enjoy looking back on 365 days from now!

Blame it on lifestyle, media, or pure dumb  luck but according to the Gallup-Healthways Well-Being Index released in July women of a “certain age” in the 21st century are the most stressed out, have the fewest feelings of well – being, and are much less healthy than our mothers were at the same age(as reported by ABC News) .

Are you suprised? You shouldn’t be.

The more technology has developed to make our lives easier the more we are expected to do.

Think of your day. Most of us are pulled in a thousand directions. Husbands/ romantic relationships, work, home, aging parents, church, friends… we seem never to give enough to anyone let alone have time left to nurture ourselves. Add in laws and grandkids to the mix and it gets even more complicated.

We are never enough for anyone, most of all ourselves. And, sadly most of us encourage those expectations in other people because we just can’t say no.

I see this so clearly in my own life. As a work at home mom my days are difficult to schedule. Because I have ADD which the VA refuses to treat everything runs together for me like a sidewalk painting in the rain. There is no clear boundary between work and home. My children are homeschooled and my husband is retired. My day consists of weaving all of my experiences into patterns that make sense even though everything is happening at the same time. Leaving to go to an office would have its own set of stresses but there would be clear boundary lines between home and work.

Even though I am with my children 24/7 I feel guilty that I don’t spend enough time with them. My husband and I have huge amounts of stress in our marriage. We were married a year ago, second marriage for us both. While my ex-husband carves out a cushy relationship with his girlfriend 1500 miles away my husband and I grasp time together as we can, building a relationship in the shadow of the needs of the 6 kids that live here with us. He also has a daughter that lives in another city and then we have, between us, three adult children for a total of 10.  It is hard to build a new marriage on a strong foundation, let alone build one when you have so little privacy and are pulled in so many directions. I can’t give him the one on one time I could have if we were newlyweds with no kids. Are my kids great? Sure they are. Do they cause stress in the relationship? You bet.

Luckily my parents have been dead for awhile and that is not a stress I have to deal with I did take care of the both of them, my mom living with us for the last months of her life. I know how exhausting being a caretaker can be.

It goes on from the friends that want to spend time with you to the church activities you would like to be involved in if only you had an extra day in the week. Oh, and the exercise that you should be doing, am I right? You drive by the gym or look at the dust on the Jillian Michaels DVDs and you think…tomorrow. I will do it tomorrow for sure.

If you are christian you know you should be spending time in the Word and in prayer… more than the scripture a day ap on your i-phone and the quick “God help me get a parking place up close so I won’t be late to my appointment” prayers. You know what I am talking about.

And all of the well meaning encouragement to take time and put things in order, to prioritize? It adds to the crap-load of guilt we are all ready carrying.

Here’s a thought.

What if we just say,

• Today I am doing the best that I can.
• Today my feelings matter.
• Today I am making  the best choices that I know how to.
• Today I accept me just where I am.

Disclaimer: Before I begin, you should know that I may be a bit biased due to recent events in my life, but isn’t that what blogs are all about?

I have been involved in several conversations lately about whether or not a couple, whether married or in an otherwise committed relationship, should have separate or joint bank accounts. Some couples appear to able to join all their assets with no contention, at least on the surface. But my very informal research (conversations at work and over margaritas) reveals that a lot of women are not at all comfortable with their significant other having full access to their money.

Since money issues are at the top of most “reasons for divorce” lists, perhaps we should re-examine the wisdom of the thought that couples should share everything. Money is not just paper and metal, it is power. Like it or not, there are such strong emotions tied to the making and use of money, that giving any other person power over yours should be carefully considered.

Many people see having joint accounts as a sign of trust – if I trust you with my money, I really trust you, and vice versa. But I propose the idea that, if real trust exists in the relationship, it should not be a problem for either party to keep their money separate. With a joint account, I can see where my spouse is spending money, as he can for me. The evidence is clear-cut; no real need for trust to enter the equation. But to trust each other to manage their own finances for the good of the relationship – that takes a level of trust I do not witness often.

There are so many influences on the way we handle money, I advise that you consider as many as possible when making this decision. Your partner’s upbringing brings powerful forces to bear on the handling of money. Does his family view the type of car you own or the size of your house as a status symbol? Did his mother rule the roost and make decisions while dad brought home the bacon? Or did his father rule with an iron fist and hand down edicts while mom washed dishes and clothes? Even the most self-aware man is going to be clouded by the things he saw while growing up, either following in those footsteps or going the opposite direction entirely. I should have seen red flags when my former mother-in-law pulled me to the side early on and said, “Honey, you need to open your own account that he (her own son!) doesn’t know about and put a little of the grocery money in there every week, so you will have something for when you need it later.” Now, that’s one piece of her advice I wished I’d taken!

Former relationships can also influence how your partner views the handling of money. Was he burned by a former spouse or lover? Did his ex-wife take him to the cleaners in the divorce? Fair or not, past negative experiences can bring bad mojo into your present situation. You may be totally on the up-and-up, but he still does not really trust you to be honest about your money-handling.

Know thyself. What role does money play in your life? You must examine your feelings and beliefs about it in order to make a wise decision about joining your funds with his. There are few women in this century who do not feel the need to have at least some money of their own that doesn’t have to be under the scrutiny of another. I have been in situations where I was made to feel guilty (ok, I allowed myself to be made to feel guilty!) about buying a book for myself, which was totally irrational in light of the purchases my then partner was making. Had I insisted on having my own account, I could have used my good sense to manage the money in a manner that allowed me to meet family obligations and get something for myself.

Take a good look at your relationship through the lens of money. Is there often conflict over who spent what? Are their disagreements over the importance of things in your life? Are you both on the same page when it comes to acquiring debt? Do you have similar goals about saving and investing? Can you agree on big-ticket purchases or are you at odds on the difference between a want and a need? An honest evaluation of money-related issues may actually reveal other things about the relationship you didn’t realize before. You have been warned.

As I’ve lived and learned, I never intend to join my finances with another person again. I know myself well enough now that I have to admit that I cannot yield that power to another, no matter how much I love and trust them. I will also advise my four daughters in the same direction, but will honor their decisions, either way.

The house does not rest on the ground, but upon a woman. -Mexican proverb

A beast does not know that he is a beast, and the nearer a man gets to being a beast, the less he knows it. -George MacDonald

Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear. – Ambrose Redmoon

History, despite its wrenching pain, cannot be unlived, but if faced with courage, need not be lived again. -Maya Angelou

I like intelligent women. When you go out, it shouldn’t be a staring contest. – Frank Sinatra

Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him. – Groucho Marx

People don’t want to see women doing things they don’t think women should do. – Joan Jett

And now, a song of empowerment for those of you who need it: